real talk.

 

Did you have time to put makeup on today?

ahhhhh…

You got a pedicure and some trendy seasonal shellac on your nails? 

How precious.

You had lunch with a friend? 

Well…that’s special.

 

I know…you saw my wedding video and the birthday post for Ella and you’re thinking I’ve got it all together and life is sweet and calm and I’m laughing and loving and raising someone else’s child with a Christian servant’s heart and Snow White’s cheery disposition….singing and sweeping up crumbs while she quietly coos nearby on a blanket with her first book of words.

Stop.

It’s me.

I’m a mess.

I now live in sweats and it’s not because I’m going to the gym.

I feel lazy and overweight and tired.

Ugh.

I’m disgusting.

What happened to me?

I’m at my worst.

I’m having a day…

Is that okay…

Can I be real and have a day and you’ll come back to me and read about how I overcame this season?!

Look…

I stayed home with my girls when they were little and I remember feeling like a cocktail of sacrificial nobility mixed with frazzled exhaustion while the rest of the world carried on with life. I was “into” my kids! I was! I lived for birthday parties and coming up with creative themes! I coached soccer without knowing a damn thing about it other than David Beckham was pretty. I was room mom for more than my fair share of school Christmas parties. It was not about me, it was about them! My girls! AND BY CHOICE. My life was bite sized food, laundry that wouldn’t quit, a goofy ass purple dinosaur and a million other things that will exceed the recommended 500 word blog post.

I did it.

I just never thought I’d have to do it again.

Jana called me back in 2011 and said she was praying for me and kept hearing the words, “Full Circle”…I wrote the words in my bible and circled them with a yellow highlighter.

Full circle…? Okay.

We got Ella one month before Jana passed away.

I was adopted.

I know my birth mom.

She is related to me.

My parents brought me in as an innocent child who needed a home and they were more than willing to sacrifice whatever it took to provide me one.

My life was better because of their sacrifice.

I don’t think I need to say anything else…

I just need to go to bed.