Affair (n.) …an intense amorous relationship, usually of short duration
That’s one of the seven definitions found on dictionary.com….it’s a noun. You can go to an affair, host an affair, want an affair, have an affair…
I’m going to try and STOP an affair.
It was two years ago…I was parked at the post office across the street and saw them leaving the hotel. I recognized her immediately…but I had no clue who he was.They were arm in arm. She looked giddy and…can I say, prettier? Yes. Prettier. She had a glow and appeared to have put forth more effort towards her appearance than usual. It was obvious.
I knew her but I never said anything. I just watched and wondered…
Why do we stray?
Yes. We. I’ve been very open about my affair. I gave it to God during my healing process and promised if my story could be used for HIS glory I would not hesitate. I don’t go around initiating the conversation, nor do I allow myself or anyone else to define me by that chapter in my life, but I do listen up and engage when someone involves me and tells me they are “talking to someone else”….”going behind their husband’s back”…”having an affair.”
Last year I got a call that broke my heart…
“I’m so ashamed but I look forward to seeing him everyday…we have been messaging each other on a social media site…things have never been good with me and (her husband)…We have always struggled and I’m just over it. I’m not going to let it get “physical”…I’m just enjoying the attention.”
Here she was…calling her single 40 something girlfriend who had “been there and done that” and THOUGHT she found a safe, understanding place to confess her sins and find empathy. She was wrong. I could understand but I would no way, no how, sanction her choices.
Tears began to fall uncontrollably…she could hear me crying and tried to change the subject and even make light of the information she’d just dropped on me.
“I would throw myself in front of a train to stop you.”
And I would. But please don’t make me. Please just listen to me and STOP this madness before it starts or goes any further. Yes. I’m talking to YOU. I see how you are going the extra mile to look fantastic…wearing your heels a little higher…You look great. You do. We haven’t seen you paying this much attention to yourself in forever. Have you lost weight? And you’re ALWAYS on your phone. Head down or head in the clouds. It’s exhausting deleting all those text messages…am I right? I am. It’s funny how he just happened to choose the same place for lunch today…out of ALL the places to eat you two just keep winding up at the same spot. Serendipity? No. Stupidity.
Your best friends right now are the ones brave enough to call you out. You don’t like them. You’ve stopped taking their calls or returning their texts because they don’t “understand” …but honey, THEY are the only ones who love you enough to let you hate them. The so called friends who are advocating your behavior need to GO.
I was working at the high school. I would go by the nurse’s office three or four times a week to weigh myself. My clothes were falling off me and I was seeing numbers I hadn’t seen since college. I liked it. I was not eating…I was too busy feeding my flesh. She hands me a book, Starved for Affection and says she’s here for me if I need to talk. I was angry. Like who does she think she is? I felt so judged but she was willing to cross the lines of what felt good and give me a shot of reality. Pun intended. I love you Jill. You prayed for me and made me think. I didn’t like you very much at the time but looking back I am so thankful for who you are and what you stood for. She was one of two people willing to call me out. Why do we sit back and let our brothers and sisters destroy their own lives?
I remember sitting in First Baptist Church and wanting to stand up and shout, “Is anybody else hurting?”
Can you imagine had I stood and taken over the pulpit and proclaimed to the congregation that I was thinking about another man besides my husband and I can’t hear a word the preacher is saying because I’m wrecked with shame and I’m scared to death and I want it to go away?!
Hey Church. Hey Small Group. Hey Family. Be like Jill. The best thing you can do when you suspect something has gone awry with one of your own is to rally the troops and tackle the enemy. Don’t ignore it. Don’t spend more time talking behind their backs than talking to their face. Bug the hell out of them. Literally. THE HELL. Tell them you are fighting for them and if need be against them, as you work towards digging them out of this sinkhole. The worst thing a church can do is stand idly by and watch for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. You will. I’ve said this about so many things! YOU WILL SAY THE WRONG THING. BUT WHEN YOUR HEART IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE AND YOU’VE PRAYED ABOUT THE SITUATION AND ASKED GOD FOR GUIDANCE IT WILL BE OKAY. DO NOT JUST STAND THERE AND WATCH THE FAMILIES AROUND YOU FALL PREY TO THE DIVISION THE ENEMY CRAVES.
Okay. So my dad was a preacher and I got some on me. No apologies for that.
My 18 year marriage was not a disaster…We had a good marriage…three smart, beautiful daughters…great friends…a lovely home in a lovely neighborhood…we both had jobs and our health…we had it all. So what happened and why?
I could tell you we fought too much and he golfed too much. I could give you ten quick reasons that would attempt to justify the affair…but that is making an excuse for sin and I will not.
It’s a simple as this. We had some issues and instead of going to God with my dignity intact I let some eye contact linger longer than necessary… and before you knew it I was wrapped up in the idea that someone “saw me” and thought more of me than my husband. One moment of feeling noticed became almost two years of neglecting that which God had given me to honor. I am ashamed but I am redeemed…and I am telling you if you are entertaining the idea of another person’s affections outside your home you need to stop and stop immediately.
This will not end well.
You are better than this.
You are being deceived.
I always write to an audience of one. I am looking at your face in the chair across from my desk. I see you. I see where this is going. You think your case will be different. It won’t. I pray you remove the scales from your eyes and turn your heart towards home. I cannot guarantee your marriage will not end, but I can promise you, you do not want it to end this way.
It’s been 10 years…I am now very happily married to my very best friend. I am humbled that God found this person for me. He is crazy about my girls and I cannot wait to build our life, see the world and love on our grandbabies together! My first husband is remarried to a wonderful woman that adores my girls and will be a wonderful grandmother to our grandchildren. We are truly blessed. I claimed Romans 8:28 and still do, “He works ALL things together for good.” ALL things. Yes He does. Yes HE did.
With all my heart…I pray you hear me and I am here for you if you need to pray.